I realised that sometimes its not that others dun understand me, its that I do not take the time to allow them to. I build a wall and brush them aside. I also do not have the patience to explain myself clearly, expecting people to understand me from the start.
If only I had made more effort, if only I had slow down, pause and reflect, situation might not have been as bad ?
I had dinner with Dad last night. Just dad. Mom is away and for once we had dinner together alone without mom. It was a simple dinner and dad was his usual self yakking away about history and the past. In the past I would have just brushed him off and ignored him, but last night I regarded him as someone else's dad and gave him the respect and just quietly listened. Though I don't quite understand most of what he was saying, i made the effort to show some interest, and responded at appropriate times in the conversation. He has aged considerably. How much longer does he have ? No one can tell. His memory is fading rapidly, and strength definitely a fraction of the past. Like some who thinks about death, I too think about old age, and the inevitable path ... not just for myself, but my parents. Its morbid but its also preparation for what's to come, eventually. Most people do not just drop dead (uhm, I consider that lucky in a way) ... they go through a period of suffering. When I see my parents in recent months, I am constantly reminded that time isn't on their side. That's why it frustrates me when mom refused to heed my advice to live a little! To travel and see the world, while she is still able and strong and not wait til it is too late. On the other hand I must also prepare for the future. Not just mine but theirs. When they are old and sick, there must be sufficient funds to keep them going and make sure they are taken care of. And similarly when I grow old .. considering that I have no family of my own ... i must be self sufficient. My worst nightmare would be collecting tin cans in the coffeeshops round island (a friend prefers collecting cardboard. Alright by me since that ensure there wouldn't be any turf war haha). But how can I ensure that doesn't happen ? Prudence is one. Growing my $$ is another. Ah, the former is a habit that I have to learn, the latter, an almost insurmountable task since I know nuts about investment. Hey, working in the financial industry doesn't make one an expert in that field! :P
And what if I'm not even healthy to go round island to collect tin cans ? What if I'm old and sickly ? What if I have osteoporosis (which seems very likely in my case :( ) ? Darn, I know worrying doesn't help the situation. Ok, maybe I shouldn't say worrying. More like scenario planning :P
Was reading in the papers today about some people spending beyond their means. I'm shocked that there are imbeciles out there who earn $4K and lived a life of luxury such as upgrading to an executive flat, buying $10K entertainment system, with maid and all. And don't forget this is on top of supporting a family including kids! They chalked up over $100k in debts and had to seek help. Geez ... unbelievable really.
No doubt I'm debt free and far from situations above. I can't quit worrying about financial freedom when I grow older. What if an illness strike me before I'm even old ? That will almost definitely wipe out my savings? What if its my parents ? Everything boils down to $$. There are always conflicting thoughts. One day I might just tell myself to live each day as it comes as I might be dead tmr. I will buy what I want (which is most often the case *oops*- but seldom big ticket items like a laptop :P) and tell myself I shouldn't ill-treat myself considering i work. But there are also days when I worry that I might end up being the tin can ah po. I'm sure I'm not the only one with such worries, but I guess mine are more magnified coz I'm a true blue pessimist.
Ah well, enough worrying for the day. I should relax and just enjoy this wonderful sunday. I could hear the birds chirping. Just hope the sky will hold and not pour again (not when I'm heading out!)
:p
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