Chivalry

..... is dead ?

A good friend of mine was upset over something that happened recently, which brought me thinking about chivalry and basic courtesy. Is there a fine line between the two ? In mathematical terms, could we say they have an intersection ? where something could be considered both chivalrous and basic courtesy ? Hmmm ... does it even make sense ?

Ok, the most apt merriam-webster definition for chivalrous behaviour that applies to modern day is "a : marked by honor, generosity, and courtesy b : marked by gracious courtesy and high-minded consideration especially to women" while courteous behaviour is defined as "marked by respect for and consideration of others"

What do they mean ? The acts of chivalry and courtesy are very subjective. Just like one man's meat is another man's poison. What I consider as unchivalrous may be acceptable behaviour to someone else ? Or what I consider as chivalrous may be viewed as chauvinistic to some feminists?

This good friend of mine lamented that some of our mutual guy friends did not exhibit any chivalry in a particular instance. It was getting late one night after our gathering, and when it was time to go home, all the guys just drove home in their own cars without offering the gals a ride. My first reaction was to laugh. I guess I have been used to such "callous" behaviour. Maybe guys only behave chivalrously to shwee mei meis or their girlfriends and since I don't belong to either of this category, I am quite used to such behaviour. *shrug* But it is so common that I have to console this guy friend of mine that being chivalrous (in SG at least) is the exception rather than the rule!! I am curious what kind of environment he grew up in such that he seemed appalled by this incident (I sure wouldn't mind living in his kind of environment hehehe) ! The gals that grew up in his environment are sooo fortunate, but hope they will never need to live with us common folk as i think they will have a real culture shock :P

Of course, I believe there will be many (guys especially?) who will object violently to what I just said and of course a similar proportion who will agree. This is really just my own tots, as I previously mentioned, this blog is like my brain dump ... of what I see, observe, interpret. They may not be true but well, they are real enough for me to blog about it :)

So, what constitutes CHIVALRY in KJ's books. I started off this post about chivalry and courtesy and to me, I think that the basic courtesy can be an act of chivalry too (when demonstrated to a lady). Some acts of chivalry (or basic courtesy?) :

1. Opening the door for a gal (instead of opening the door, getting in and not even helping to just keep the door open !!! I find that downright discourteous!)
   
2. Helping her with her bags when she is obviously overloaded with bags (again, i thought that common sense to just extend your assistance to ANYONE - regardless of gender - when you see someone carrying lots of stuff! But somehow I have had many occasions when I carrying loads of stuff and the guy still just happily walk along never offering a finger!!! I find tat really irritating!!!!)
3. Sending a gal home (be it by cab or walking her to the lift) late at nite. "Late" of course is subjective. I have friends who will walk me to the lift even if it means 8+pm at night (thanks !) and of course I have others who think I will be able to fight off any attackers anytime of the day (thanks too for your vote of confidence! )
4. Offering a seat to a lady. It would be toooo much to ask for in the general context. I would imagine though that if we are in a group outing and there are just not enough chairs to go around, the guys should at least let the gals sit down while they hunt for chairs ? Thankfully so far the guy friends I have are all gentlemen and i don't have this problem.
   
5. I have a friend who though do not own a car and will not send me home, but will jot down the taxi number that I hop into, and check with me via sms to make sure I am home. I thought that very considerate and important too coz if something really untoward happens to me, at least he can tell the police who to look for :P I shld make it a point to do that for my other gal friends too.
   
6. Pressing the "Door open" button in the lift. This one is one of my pet peeves. This is sooooo common in SG. I dunno, do everyone think that they have special powers and they can keep the door open just by staring at it or willing it to be kept open ? Or they rather the door just close and crush the poor people trying to get in, so that those inside can get up/down to their desired floors faster???? I just find it totally unacceptable that people will head straight into the lift cabin, not lifting a finger just to keep the door open. :( And this, is BASIC courtesy, not even chivalry!
   

I will add on to this as and when I think of something. Anyway, I would like to add a disclaimer that the above is just MY OBSERVATION, not necessarily what I encounter, so I'm not saying that the guys I know / met are not chivalrous ok ? :) On the contrary, some of these observations are made BECAUSE you guys demonstrated chivalry, I noticed them (yes I do thank you very much) and hence I know what it feels like. Well done guys! :) Hence, though I couldn't say that chivalry is dead dead, it sure leaves one wanting.

Having said all these, I guess some guys might also have deliberately held back expressing chivalry so as not to risk being misinterpreted, nor don't want their spouse/girlfriend to be jealous etc. Worse, they might be worried that they would be snubbed at, or scolded, for helping a lady who happens to be a feminist and insist on being treated equal and not given any special attention. I personally do not think being offered help or receiving help is a sign of weakness, it just helps make life easier. Why try to carry so much in one's shoulders, when you have people around to help you ? I like to help my friends and I will willingly accept help from my friends too. That's what make the world a better place to live in. :)

Ok, I think this is enough nonsense for a post. I welcome any comments/feedback regarding this. It would be good if you could post about some chivalrous behaviour you have encountered or wish to encounter. Let's reward good behaviour so that such behaviour will repeat and become more widespread. :)